The Room

::by Joshua Harris::

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings.

As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards.. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at."

Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents Often there were many more cards than expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived....

Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting.. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me.

One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards.

But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand..
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him... Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response.. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.

Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, and so alive.

The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

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Oh my God in Heaven, how wonderful are Your ways! You know exactly what I need and when I need it. Your ways are higher than our ways and even through the fire - take heart and know, God is in control.

I'm not ashamed to admit that this really, and I mean REALLY, hit me when I read it. I am a Christian, but I am afraid that I won't have many cards in my drawer that's labeled "People I've Shared the Gospel With." Lord help me be a light in this world of darkness.

family, family, and more family

Last weekend, the kids and I went up to Clarke County for the Baugh-Danzey Family Reunion. My great-great-grandfather and great-great-grandmother (whom I never knew, of course) were Robert S. Baugh and Annie Laura Danzey Baugh. Their children include my Granny, and my two great-aunts and two great-uncles (one of whom was killed in WWII when his plane crashed. My Granny had five kids - my 3 uncles, my mom, and my aunt. Mom had big brother, me, and little brother, and now I have D and B.

I don't really have a huge family by any means, but I have more relatives than I really remember and know. We had a good turnout at the reunion. Pretty much all of the cousins that I know (except for a few) were not able to come because they all live too far away and/or had prior obligations. It's nice to get together with family. It's even nicer when you are getting together because you just want to, and not because of a funeral or something! I like that most of my family is kind of close together in geographical location. Some of us don't live that close, but for the most part, they all live within an hour of each other. I just think that's nice.

Family is important. I mean, we all have spats with our family and we all get on each others' nerves every once in a while. It's understandable. But there are some who forget the value of a tight family relationship. Even if you disagree or have an argument, you should always be there to support your family, especially in times of need. When a family member needs a helping hand or a listening ear, we should be willing to provide it if we are able. If you have a strong family background and a supportive family background, it is a lot easier to accomplish the goals you may have. Knowing you have the support of your family can help give you the courage to take a step of faith. You know God will always be there and His loving hands will hold you all the while, but it is an added bonus to know that you have family that will care and be there for you too.

I don't really know where I'm going with all this. Family has just been on my mind lately and I just wanted to share its importance.

Anywho... here are a few pictures from the reunion - Enjoy!

Yay for March!

So, I think I've done all I can do right now. I really don't like the new job thing. I'm still there, and still working because I still need the money. It's not as much work as the previous position, but it's sooooo ~~Time Consuming~~

I get all the medical records done, then work on claims... and then more claims, and then more claims... it's a never ending kind of thing, and if there was a way to make it faster, that would be great. I had stopped taking my iPod to work when I was in the other position because the day usually went by quickly enough. But in this one, I will have to start taking it again... I need something to make the time pass. I wish... well, we all know what I really wish, so why bother anymore, right?

Switching gears now...

Hubby got some news that his grandfather is not doing very well, so I would ask that you pray for peace and comfort in this time for hubby and the rest of his family. Pray that God's hand is on the family and that His peace will be with them. It is difficult to have your grandfather in ill health. I know from experience. My Grandaddy (mom's dad) passed away before I was a year old, so I never really knew him. My PawPaw (dad's dad) passed away just over 4 years ago. He was the only grandfather I really knew and he was a good one.

I also covet your prayers in some relationships that are struggling. They were going to have the Lord's Supper tonight at church, but I didn't really feel that it would be right of me to partake tonight. Bro. Jeff preaches (and I tend to agree) that one should be right with the Lord when the Lord's Supper is observed. Meaning, if there has been an argument or something that is hindering you from being at peace with God, then you should not partake in the Lord's Supper until that has been resolved. So, hubby and I are wonderful. But I have some other relationships in my life that are not so great. I have prayed about them and I believe I have done all I can do at this point to try and make it better. I can only give it to God now and pray that He will bring peace to this. So, please pray for me as this road goes on.

It is nearing midnight on my end now, so I will trudge off to bed and try to get a decent night's sleep before the work week starts all over again.

Long days

So I've been slacking on the blog lately... It's just been busy and hectic here in my world. Hubby and I have not been able to start the Love Dare thing yet. I was planning to get that going this week, but we found out that he had to go out of town again next week and then a couple of weeks after that. I reckon I'll just plan to start it one day and we'll have to manage it while he's out.

I spent a few nights and Saturday morning getting stuff ready to take to the Kidz Klozet sale in Mobile. I dropped it off on Sunday afternoon. The sale is March 2 - 6 from 10 to 6 pm. It's a great sale for first time parents/grandparents, and even seasoned parents. They don't take anything that has been recalled and if a carseat is over 3 or 4 years old they won't take it, so you know you're getting something that is safe. There are over 850 consignors for this one and it's a LOT to look at. So, you know, if you happen to be down this way... :)

B is still growing so fast. She is walking around like she's been doing it for years. She took her first steps the day after her birthday and she hasn't turned back. We had a couple of family portraits taken at the beginning of February and some of B for the whole "one-year" thing. We haven't ordered them yet, or I'd have some posted for everyone to see.

The biggest thing that is going on right this second happens to involve my job, yet again. It is not a good thing and I only have until sometime tomorrow to have made a decision about it. Basically, they want me to either take a small (and it really is a small one) pay cut and work in a different position, or I won't have a job anymore. They don't think I'm working out where I am right now and want me to move. So, I have to decide whether I'll take the position, or take the unemployment.

Believe it or not, it is NOT a no-brainer. Yes, I need a job. I have a family that I help support and we are just not in a financial position for me not to have a job right now. Or at least, not for long. I could be unemployed, but I'd have to be searching every day for a new job. And, I have some slim criteria.

With hubby traveling as much as he does, I can't work past 5 in the evenings and I can't work before 7 in the morning. And, since I do value my time with my husband, if I want to spend any time with him at all when he's traveling, I can't work weekends either. So, I have to have a job that works either 7 to 4 or 8 to 5 on Monday thru Friday. It's hard to find a job like that around here. Especially one that would pay decently.

Speaking of pay, the pay cut for the new position is only by $1.00. It's not a terrible pay cut. It's about $40/wk that I wouldn't get. It would be a bit harder to make ends meet, but not impossible. I also don't know whether or not the job would guarantee me being hired on full time instead of staying a temp.

So - cons of taking new position:

1. pay cut

2. still stressful work environment

3. uncertainty about the temp thing

Pros of taking new position:

1. still have a job

2. possibly getting hired on and earning time off

3. still be able to help support the family

Cons of rejecting position and being unemployed for a while:

1. being unemployed

2. not being able to help support my family

3. staying stressed over finding a new job

Pros of rejecting position/unemployed:

1. no more stressful work environment

2. more time with my precious babies

3. more time... in general (when not hunting for work, of course)

I also need to mention that if I chose to reject the position, thereby becoming unemployed, I would take the kids out of daycare/after school care. I would love it, but in the event of a job interview, I would have to scramble to get someone to look after them while I did it, and then I'd have to worry that there wouldn't be a spot available in daycare when I needed to put B back. (D's kids club would always have a spot available)

It's a lot to think about, that's for sure. I sometimes wonder if we lived somewhere else, what our lives would be like there. How is the job market in other places? I just am really frustrated with the job market here.

I think that I have talked myself into just accepting the new position. A lot still rides on the whole temp thing too though. If I have to stay a temp for even longer or start over, I don't know that it would be worth it..... Ugh, I have a headache just thinking about all of this. I have to go to bed now though... It's going to be a long enough day tomorrow.

a new challenge

So, it's not really a huge challenge. I know I've probably done some harder things. But, I love the Fireproof movie. True, the acting probably isn't the best I've ever seen, but it has a really good message. So often we let little things keep adding up and they end up overtaking our relationships. When big things happen, we try to deal with them right away, but we can let the little things go on and go on... and they can end up making one really big thing that is too much for us to handle on our own.


Jack and I have a great relationship. Sure, we have our spats, but we've always had a great communication relationship and that helps out a lot when we are a bit miffed at each other. We recently watched the Fireproof movie again and it got me thinking, "what if we did the love dare?" In the movie, they were doing the love dare because the marriage was almost completely dissolved. There was almost no hope left for reconciliation between them. The Love Dare was supposed to help them rebuild what had been broken and start anew. Jack and I definitely don't have anything remotely similar going on in our marriage. But, I can't help but wonder if doing The Love Dare would strengthen what we already have. It surely couldn't hurt. So, I went off in search of The Love Dare. At Wal*Mart, they have a 365 day devotional for couples in love dare fashion, but that wasn't what I wanted. I looked at Target and found exactly what I was looking for:It's the 40 day Love Dare, as used in the Fireproof movie. I am really excited to start this. Hubby has another out of town work trip scheduled for February 14 - 19, so we aren't going to do it until he gets back from that, but I am really looking forward to it. We have been able to get to church for the past two weeks, so I feel really good about that. I'm still working on some other relationships that need the work and with God's help and your prayers, that will work out too.

I have a prayer request that has nothing to do with all of this though. I have had some dental problems in the recent past. Before working at my current job, I just didn't have the funds to pay for the kind of stuff that needs to be done. At least, not at one time. Now working a full time job, the money isn't as big of an issue, but the time off is. I am still a temp for the next month, so I have no time off and I can't afford to miss any more work. I am in danger of losing my job if I have to be out again before my temp status is up. I need prayers here. I really have to have some of this work done before this month is over, and I just don't know how to do it. And really, I have spent more of my time in the last few years focusing on D's health and now B's health. I tend to think they are more important. Maybe that's just the mom talking, but whatever. You know how we do :)

while I'm waiting...

Have you ever had one of those moments where you feel like a song is speaking directly to you? With my background in music and my intense love for all things music, I have it happen often. Especially when I am listening to Contemporary Christian music. Yeah, it happens a LOT. Luckily, I have this handy thing I like to call an iPod, and if I've heard a song that really hits me, I try to find it and download it asap. I'll probably post some different entries with the songs that have really got to me and why, but I'm definitely starting with this one. I think I may have heard it before I saw "Fireproof," but I'm not 100% sure. My radio is pretty much permanently fixed to Power 88.5 down here and when I'm not listening to it, I've got my iPod plugged in. If I had not heard it before the first time I watched the movie, that is probably why it sounded familiar when hubby and I watched it again this weekend. Have I mentioned how much I love that movie? Well, I do, and that's another post for another time.

Anyway, this song was called "While I'm Waiting," by John Waller. I believe he's a new artist. It's on his debut album called "The Blessing," as well as on the "Fireproof" soundtrack. The lyrics are as follows:

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting on you Lord, and I am hopeful.

I'm waiting on you Lord though it is painful.

But patiently, I will wait.

I will move ahead, bold and confident.

Taking every step in obedience.

While I'm waiting

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on you Lord, and I am peaceful

I'm waiting on you Lord though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

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So, if you have ever been waiting... for anything really... you know how hard it is to stay focused on what you need to be doing while you're waiting to get or do whatever. I have been waiting on God to answer some prayers, to give me any signs on things. I know He's there always and He is always in control. I just feel like He's telling me to wait before things happen or before He shows the signs or whatever. It is incredibly hard to wait. I think that John Waller was trying to touch on how hard it is to wait, but also emphasize how important it is to ACTIVELY wait. Yeah, God may be working on His personal timetable, but that doesn't mean that you stop worshiping and serving Him while you wait on His answer/response.

I know I need to get better at this. It's one on my list of many things I need to improve. So, I could definitely use some prayers here. While I try to do better, I also need prayers that I can get my family back into a church involvement. With hubby being gone so much (and leaving on Sundays, no less), it is really difficult to get motivated to go anywhere on Sundays. I might try to swing some Wednesdays soon, but that will be hard as well. I try to do a devotional every day, but I like being in a church environment. I am already a Christian (and have been for years) but I know I need to be in a fellowship with other believers. But D is a new Christian and needs to be learning about God and everything. So, I definitely need prayers here while we try to get this moving in the right direction.

Time Passing By

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible.

In less than 24 hours, my sweet little girl will officially be "one year old." Seriously? Has it been a whole dang year already? I swear I feel like it was just yesterday that I was in the hospital having her. I wish she could stay my sweet baby for longer than this! It has been a ride this year. It's been an adjustment, having two kids now, but I've loved every minute of it. D has been a huge help and he just gets smarter every day too! It is so amazing how quickly your children grow. It's really no longer or shorter than normal, but there is just so much that happens in the first year.... Soon she'll be telling me that she can do it herself (I was quite famous for that when I was little!) and going to school and riding bikes.... It is so bittersweet. I love to watch D and B grow and learn, but all the while, I know that all the love and teaching I am giving is only to prepare them for their lives after they leave home. I am raising them so they can leave and live on their own. Wow... it's really an even sadder concept now. I don't want my babies to leave! I do want them to grow and learn and be wonderful people, but it's sad to know that they will leave me one day. I always knew this though. Even when I was younger, I knew this cycle. It's why I always got teary while watching "The Little Mermaid." Yeah, I said it. The part where they get married at the end. I always got sniffly when I was younger because I knew that I would get married and leave my family one day. Now, I get sniffly because I know my babies will be there soon. Time just moves so quickly.

Treasure your babies (even the big ones!). They will be grown and gone before you know it. Give them all the love that is in your heart. Teach them the ways of the Lord. Give of your time, any time you have. You never know when it will be the last. Kiss your children every night when they go to bed. Those moments mean so much to a child. Praise their accomplishments. Give a listening ear when they fail. Be there. Even if they don't want you to talk, they want you to be there. LOVE THEM. More than you think you could ever love anything or anyone, love them.